I am lost inside my soul I tried to hide it, but it was a spec of dust under the glass, it only grew until one day when you painted my nails black and I said “it’s not a thing of the past” now I can’t hide, it’s every day, I’m watching my hair fall out I am so afraid Please try to understand This is not vanity this is survival This is not vanity this is fundamental I’m gonna finish this degree Then maybe we can leave They can look us up they’ll have no luck We are strong and we are free when we shake these chains I’ve been growing out my hair and buying clothes to some day wear I tried to hide it all these years I tried to shove it down But there are some things you can only run from for so long I know that now more than most The rest of my life starts to make sense as soon as I accept it The rest of my life starts as soon as I am free And goddamn I am so fucking desperate Cut these chains loose cut my body up I will escape And with you by my side maybe I can stand the glares This is something I have to do I have tried and tried to do it their way I nearly died, four years of stasis, 23 of lies I will never look back when I step out into the sun

It’s a phone call that I know is coming But it doesn’t make it any less scary You’re telling me I shouldn’t worry But of course I will, I will Because I know you’re getting help And I know that you are safe but I can’t help but worry Because I know this isn’t really what you wanted You said “can I get a few things” I said “anything you need” With a shake in my step I walked up to the desk Said I was here to see you, used your full name Something you never really liked I walk in, there you are You look okay you look okay And I don’t fit in here, cuz I’ve got shoelaces And the reason is not something that we like to think about You tell me not to worry but I will, because I always do And every nurse that comes into my work I think they’re there to tell me that you’re gone And every time that my phone vibrates I think it’s someone telling me you’re gone And I’ll get lost in my head as I do the fucking dishes Just like fucking always no one cares And I’ll get high so I don’t have to think I can do this all week And my stomach hurts every night I just need to know you’re okay I will look after tulip for you, Until you return, which I need to be soon What did you lose down in Lancaster? Can we find it again? What did you lose in centralia? Can we go back there and find it?

Ive thought on this for so long You can’t run intermission for the whole show But you did, and you will, as long as you can And it’s not fair, because now I don’t know how to talk to people And I am afraid of every interaction Some violent kind of solitude, it had to happen, but not like this Because I never learned a thing, that you didn’t want me to hear And it took so many years for me to learn all I needed to know about myself And no I will never resent her, but I can’t say the same for you In isolation, I learned all I needed about those “friends” And the “god” that was supposed answer, well I never heard a word back And as I try to understand the memories, of clothes I wasn’t supposed to wear Of feelings I wasn’t supposed to have, of sadness without an answer It all starts to make sense and I learn to understand Was it ever normal? Was I ever normal? I used to always imagine bad things happening to me Just for a little bit of sympathy I needed I needed For you To pay attention to me I didn’t wanna spend the night anymore I am trying my damndest to rationalize I want so badly to make you proud no matter what Even if you won’t accept me Even if you try to bend me Even if you’re responsible for some of this I still want you to say “I love you”

out of line, out of touch, can't go back: golden boy. break my heart or break your heart dress me up like a boy i'm your "special son" "ignore it all, this is the way you will be, you will learn to be happy." will i ever be able to say that i want to be a girl? i am a girl trapped in this body. why am i like this? what purpose does it serve? i am not complete, i'm not whole and i'm not happy. one more semester one more week i'll never be what i want. and this just cannot be. let a girl love a girl let a boy love a boy. who's hurt? i am lost. incredibly confused i don't want to be a boy. i don't want to be this "self" i'm gonna dress up real pretty, i'm gonna find all the answers. i will let you down. i will be selfish and i'll pull myself up i will be selfish and i'll help myself i will be selfish and i will let you down. please learn to love me. your son is dead.

They are here to harass you, and you better respect them They will disrespect you, and you better take it with a smile They will mutilate you, well you probably deserved it The media used your mugshot and your killer’s warm smile And when you try to fight back, they just bring more guns When you try to peacefully protest, they bring in the tear gas Curb stomp a teenage girl for having a nervous breakdown The KKK is still around, they just traded in their robes For shinny badges and politician’s smiles He feared for his life, so he took yours You were trying to get home from work He wanted blood There is not a single cop, who does not contribute to the violence Thin blue lines cover swastikas so cleanly Another unarmed black man walking through a white neighborhood Of course, he was upset, and how could he comply When you barked four separate orders at him at once This is a murder And every GOP politician, well there’s nothing grand about them They will fight tooth and nail to maintain their private army We can’t pay for healthcare, but we can buy tanks for cops Spare me the excuses. While you kill the planet. While you funnel 1.5 trillion dollars into a dying market While people starve to death All cops are bastards who maintain a bourgeois system Let the people rot while you sit in your mansion You better stop now or it’s gonna be too late As everyone dies while you only get more money No one needs a billion dollars Much less 100 billion dollars. How can you live with yourself This is utter violence This is a warning People can only take the suffering so long. You are not safe.

I know you’ll act like this isn’t happening, you’ve been doing that forever But it’s here to stay whether you like it or not I don’t care if you think it’s wrong you think it’s gone it’s never gonna die And you can wait forever with all that pressure, this time I’m not giving up All the things I hid, all the lies I told they were so you didn’t throw another pity party But now, it’s my turn to say what I’ve needed to say “you were wrong about me, over and over again” And now I will stand up, for myself for once I’m so tired of feeling put down, drowned out, never taken seriously It’s my life it’s not right Do you know Emily? I’ve been writing her autobiography for four years And it’s coming together beautifully I tried to suffocate all these incongruent feelings I tried to pretend to be conveniently perfect But it felt like lies, it felt like I was dying I couldn’t be the one you needed The person you always dreamed I’d become Because I have dreams of my own I know now the person I should be And she’s far away from here Will she be far away from you?

'm breaking my bones i'm breaking my will if my life spirals out of control enough maybe it will come back around a boy but a girl but a boy but a girl but a boy but a girl but what the fuck am i? my body isn't anything, i hate it i don't mind it you heard it on the news today, the gays are gonna have their way "they're taking over the whole goddamn country" it's just like they always say karma's a fucking bitch everything's gonna come undone. my hands are shaking, i'll never understand let me wear a pretty dress, let me be whatever i want why do i have to be like you, won't you love me anyway? and you say that i'm normal one, but i want to be second to none. you break my will will end my life? and i will never be normal i will never feel complete i will never be cute or pretty i am trapped in this aching body there is nothing i'm empty inside.

there is nothing here, there are no marks it was the closest i cam to crying: that night but i can't. under layers of masculinity forced upon me my whole life. but there's a silver lining, when i finally do it. i'll be just another goddamn statistic. did you heard dad? that i'm confused? wrong name. wrong clothes.

"and this is above all else: to thine own self, be true."

This is exactly where I wanna be Every single night, it may be cold, I may be tired But I’m close to you so who cares. we are gonna celebrate every holiday you missed I’ll make sure to make up for all of that lost time Cuz you deserve it, you deserve it more than most You’re the most captivating person I have ever met And I would do anything for you Your skin on my skin, I want to breathe you in, I want to be as close to you, As I possibly can Take the air in my lungs Hold me as tight as you can I hope this night will never end And when we wake up tomorrow, It’s gonna be a brand new year We may have our fear We may have our doubts But we have each other And that’s all I really care about The sun is shining bright, it makes your hair look so pretty I know it won’t be this color next week But I know it’ll still be pretty And I can’t wait to start another year with you

This is a song for lost ambitions Trying for years You know I can’t make it This is a song for friends I’ve lost You think I’d be over it by now This is a song for names you don’t know This is a song for things I never had I stare at the wall Day after day I’ll never really know what it’s like And you never really grow up You just shut up and do what they want And you never really know what you like You just shut up and do what they say And you never really figure out your gender You just shut up and be how they are And you never really know how to live You just sit down and make a living Well I don’t know where I fit in I just don’t think there’s anyone for me I think I’m lost in the middle Just someone who was never supposed to make it this far I think about tulip when he was hit by that car I think about all the wrong things I’ve done and I just don’t think there’s hope for either of us So I’ll lay on the side of the road, and I’ll learn how to pretend to be dead And I’ll hope one day my faking comes through, and I don’t have to look in the mirror.

Dear Emily I write to you in this way It sort of feels cathartic, but condescending I said you were a ghost I said that you were dead But that’s really not quite the truth And by next winter, will you be taking your estrogen? Will you be living again? Far away from him Because I know this isn’t what you wanted And it sure as hell isn’t what you needed And yes I really have not been truthful About identities and the like, but I had to Because Emily, I couldn’t let them know That you and me was one in the same And I can’t wait To move out of state Just to say That I did it Because when I’m Far away The you’ll know And I won’t care Because I’ve been living a lie For as long as I have known And there’s nothing I can do anymore To feel alright And I know what I’ve got to do now But that doesn’t make it any less scary And I know that you love me more than anyone And “Alex and Emily” sounds better Than anything I’ve heard in a long while So I think maybe that’s all I really need And I know it’s all I really want So maybe we can just run away Leave every obligation behind We can panhandle a little Just to get us by We can hop on trains say fuck you to the man And ride for miles and miles on end Because when I’m with you I’m not worried about a thing And maybe that’s all that I need