this is the happiest i’ve ever been.
this is the saddest i’ve ever been.
ghost girl you will never see the light.
this is an album about being 19; it's about the stress of life as a student in a world that is suddenly open to you.
realizing that you can shape your own ideas and beliefs about the world, about other people, and about yourself. it is about the stark realization that you do not have to be your parents, continued on to the next generation, with their ideas, values, and thoughts.
it is about acceptance of oneself, but it is also about dysphoria, and fear. the overwhelming feeling of dread: not being accepted for who you really are, by those who raised you for all those years. feelings of happiness, only found through a new gender identity, dashed by comments about eternal fate, that seem only to be assumed, in order to continually shape me into what they want me to be, and not myself.
these songs are about the hardship and mental strain i went through in my realization that i was made a girl, but could never be loved as such. and the days, months, semesters, and years ahead where i would look in the mirror and hate what i saw. where i would hate my interactions with others as they used a name that was no longer my own. it's an album about self-hate and wanting to see myself in pain. it's a cry for help. it is a mess. it's an album full of fear, it's an album about letting go of bitterness, it is a part of me; a part i can finally share with the world.
i am who i am, love me or hate me, i will be who i am, and i will love you.
released July 1, 2016
these songs don't really sound like my older music, i was heavily inspired by xiu xiu and the other works of jamie stewart both lyrically and musically. i was also heavily influenced by jordaan mason's "divorce lawyers i shaved my head". to not acknowledge these works would not be artistically sound.
i made everything else on this album, though an image of lain is in the artwork.
all rights reserved