As I stumble through the months I pretend to be a person for you This is how I will live for the rest of my life I’m not even sure what’s mine anymore School full of angry eyes I’m afraid of fucking everything I don’t see resolution for this soon. I need my own personal revolution Sleeping through the day It’s 9 o’clock I’m not tired anymore I go through the motions every single year Everyone is proud of me except for me Spinning as I walk into the library Falling as I hit the chair I don’t think I can do this anymore I tell myself that every single year Is there a spark of happiness I hold to? Is it spite? Is it anger? Because I’m still here And I don’t know What I’m gonna do When this comes to a head And I confront you Cuz I’ve been slacking off for years I don’t want to be this hollow shell I call a body There’s no focus left inside of me There’s no end to all this cacophony My bones are brittle My hands shake violently Will you be there when I fall? Or is it only when I’m shinning Because I’m not who I’m expected to be Cause I’m not who I need to be I will sink this blade even farther in It’s been gnawing all these years It’s almost time to pull it out

Welcome to dream world No one said it would be a good one The sun turned blue I’m out here all alone, without you He took everything from me Everything I’ll ever be But I will have my revenge For every year I have toiled Burning for you The lights in the sky tell me my time is nigh I will destroy him Give me back to you I leap across empty planes Over buildings Is this limitlessness? Truest love, I will defy god for you I will cast him into the sea I will over take everything It’s all for you. My little town by the sea With my only friend It’s the only way to be As a throw him across the shore I think only of you He is reduced now He will wash away Here we are at last It’s the only way to be Godkiller. Dream world The sun is golden again. // Oh my god What do we have here Take me to a place Where days never grow cold I don’t want to know What I have to do Without you // I wake up The world is over Drive down the road As if there’s nothing left This year took so much pain This year was all loneliness “the best years of my life” I want to sleep them away Give me Xanax give me percs Anything to numb the pain 90 miles an hour If I crash I’ll feel something I’ve been screaming out I’ve been lashing out What the hell is my name What the hell is my place Break my bones Let them grow back smaller The sun looks blue tonight.

Where exactly do you run when there is no one else? When there is no one you can tell your darkest fears to Where do you go when those who are supposed to hold you closest Are the ones who you are most afraid of? When the vines and roots grow up along the path I know there will be no turning back I’ll make my own family And he bought a lot of drugs He said it’d be okay No one would notice no one would notice And she’s been cutting up her arms She said it’d be okay No one would notice no one would notice And I’ve been laying in my bed I’ve been sleeping in And wearing the clothes of someone else Someone I’d rather be Will anyone notice? Will anyone notice? 666 written on the door It doesn’t seem so scary anymore I am your wicked one I am your wrong decision I am exactly what you were afraid of The candles in the hallway make this place so haunting When I get into that room I will be where I need to be The devils are not here It’s not like you warned me Oh oh oh there is a devil inside of me.

I am surrendering now, to this hole inside my room It lives beneath my bed, it knows my names - both of them It knows the skin I wear It knows where each scar comes from It knows I don’t have anything to say when it rears its ugly head ||| the abyss speaks tonight ||| “who are you? You don’t have anything. Hello, I am every insecurity Your confidence in all your cunning styles Will crumble under your confusion and dysphoria You cannot rest, you will not rest Your soul is a vacuum, you are made entirely of fear You don’t know anything stop acting like it You’re still afraid of people. Like the twelve year old child He died that day. You died that day. You cannot leave. You are a slave to me Suffer forever, the moon is screaming. Your eyes are full of blood.” //It’s not right no no it’s not easy at all Give me more give me more I don’t wanna feel a thing Taking drugs passing out fill my lungs with smoke My disease is myself I don’t wanna think about it Take it away take it take it away// There’s a devil in my heart with a name I can’t say But it sounds just like mine but it’s wearing my shame I drown it all away but it keeps coming back //// I can’t see I can’t sleep Will there be anyone for me when this is all said and done I’m building a tower to leave this behind I haven’t looked at the sun I only know the moon I’m gonna find it. I’ll tell you what.

I said “dad I wanna be exceptional” He said “hey that’s pretty good” I said “I’ll be just like you” he said “you’ll be even better” I said “dad I wanna be exceptional, at singing all these songs” He said “that’s not really practical you should probably settle down” I said “hey dad I wanna help people, I’m just really not sure how” He said “there’s only one way to do it trust me” I said “hey dad I’m doing my best” He said “I’m so proud of you” I said “hey dad I wanna be exceptional, at being a pretty girl” he said “that’s just not correct” I said “it’s been like this for always” he said “that’s just not correct” I said “I am just trying to find happiness” He said “there’s only one way trust me” I said “hey dad I’m doing my best” he said “I’m not proud of you” I’m just so scared of the way you’ll look at me The disapproval in your eyes I want to make you proud But I can’t deny myself It’s not out of malice, I just cannot be a son Central Pennsylvania: freezing all my bones A few more years they’ll be too hard to move Which way is the way to go, I think it’s none of them Hey dad please I don’t want to have to say I miss you.

You are here, as am i. I’m not sure how the pieces moved Moved us into place I don’t want it any other way This is how I want it to go This is how I wanna spend my life The cold summer air on our skin The stars pale in the light you shine // driving with the windows down Playing Julia brown I don’t know what heaven’s like But it must be like this I could search a thousand years There’s still no one quite like you I can get lost in your eyes I don’t ever wanna be found // We will fight the whole world We have each other It’s all we need They don’t stand a chance You are my one and only The one by my side We’ll make this whole state our own They will never see us coming ////

I don’t know what I hoped for That’s sort of a lie I wanted that life I dreamed about When I was 12 and then 16 It was always just around the corner I just had to try for it Maybe next year I’ll have whatever it was I needed. Walking around campus. I’ve said 4 words today The sky is turning gray Is there anyone here at all? I am surrounded by people I’ve never felt so alone [I’m gonna be witch I’m gonna curse you I’m gonna curse you And these school colors.] I don’t know what you want from me I feel lost I feel confused I’m not interesting. [] I’m gonna black out and forget you all It’s now or never I don’t care

I am turning in my bed I am falling in my head I’m learning what I wrote I won’t leave a note //Can you sing to me Emily? You don’t have a voice. You don’t have a body// My arms are long and strong I am whole But I am not Each day I fall further apart I know you’re not out there // this is the happiest I’ve ever been This is the saddest I’ve ever been Can you sing to me Emily? You are a ghost// There is nothing after this No matter what I choose I will be empty There is nothing after this No matter what I choose A life full of fear A life full of wondering I will never seek an answer Because one does not exist I will never hear of you again Ghost girl ghost girl You will never be You will never be Emily

Those who wish to control you Stand in positions of power and privilege Weak emotional appeals to the sobbing masses who wish to put you down When you are pushed down eventually there comes a point where you can take no more They will find it Small steps toward total control They speak only evilness There is no love, there is no concern They hate all faggots and femmes Never forget, stonewall was a riot You are downtrodden by them as they pull in more money Shut down programs to keep us uneducated Teen pregnancy rates increase when abstinence is taught You cannot wish away the queers by pretending we do not exist You will not control the bodies of others Expect total resistance. The police are not your friends Protectors of the bourgeoisie We will not be taken lightly Expect total resistance Those who have been pushed down will make a new world

Blue sunset I know something is coming soon I would rather be anyone but me I would rather be anyone but me Listening to alex g It’s a long way home from here “today I wash my hands... I want to fry” I know I have to make some decision I just don’t want to Why can’t it be easier? Why can’t the future be clearer? I called it blue because in the dream seeing the light like that told me there was some sort of terrifying and difficult thing that had to happen In the last few months of my life I have been feeling this exact same way My battle isn’t with a cruel fate as hers was, it’s with everyone I care about When you find me, will you recognize me? Hiding in a tiny town by the sea Where no one knows my name Would you still love me? Blue sunset, I’m running away With my one and only I don’t need anyone else

I have confronted my body I have confronted my mind Why is it so much harder to confront you? I have sunk deeper in, every single day of this life And it’s alright because you won’t need to think about it soon You won’t need to worry about me Cuz I won’t be here The lake called to me It said “come in and let me flow all around you You don’t need to fear when you are here, you can be whatever you need to be” I said “I just don’t think its possible to ever have that life, if I give this one up will I fall back down again?” It said “you’re telling yourself a lie, if you think you can hide forever, there’s a dark and formless shape living inside of you” It’s been like this for way too long I remember twelve years old I remember no understanding I remember dissonance I think I may be a monster I think there’s no resolution I think I will be alone There’s a fence up now All Around the lake The forest is on fire Everything has run away Oh my god oh my god What have I done This is all because of me The forest has become angry It immolates itself The lake says “you tried so hard you tried so hard Come dance with me in death Come dance with me in death Fall into my depths And sink with me” Would you sink with me? You are not my friend You never were you never were You lied to me for always You told me you could help me There is nothing here I will stand alone the only way I know how to be Oh lake deep and fearful You were never solace The beast that haunted me was you As the flames rise up around us You will die but I will not Burn out rise again I will be made a new body I will shine brighter than the fucking sun When all of this is said and done There will be nothing but ash I will get up and walk away Wounds turn to scars

When I sing you my song, I know exactly what you’ll say with loud and condescending words “you were never a singer, go back to your room, put away these things and pick up the books” But I will not go silently, I will not fall evenly Because god’s not out there listening so he won’t tell me how to live my fucking life || it’s gonna be today, it’s gonna be today, I will pick apart my body, it’s gonna be today|| No matter what you do, you cannot silence us, I will go down screaming “all cops are bastards” and “these are our bodies we will do what we please” It is not for you to decide, how others live their lives I’m not like you, I never was, and you will not make me ever be. |||| If the world is violent I will be violent, I will not let you take my chance away from me I want to live a life, foreign to this one. You have never understood this hell, so you will not dictate how I climb out of it. Bruised and bleeding, I will have my perfect body. ||||