1. |
blue sunset pt 2
04:30
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Two dreams, i couldn’t shake
Two dreams i learned from
Where is that town i saw?
Where my body isn’t broken
Where our souls rest
Where we don’t worry what it means
I’m not sure what to do
I think we need to fly there
With no blue sunsets
Without all our fear
Take me back to rolling hills of grass
Overlooking the crashing waves
It is a monument to refuge
It is where we need to be
With no blue sunsets
With no laughing gods
It is where we need to be
In the town by the sea
That lives inside my dreams
I wonder what i left there
I wonder what i’ll find there
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2. |
the rot
04:00
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I don’t think they notice
I think my thoughts are volumes longer
It is hard to watch
It is hard to hear
When you say those words
There is venom on your tongue
I wonder what for
They have never hurt you
You hate what you don’t understand
You resent what is unknown to you
The foreign angers you simply because it is foreign
I cannot abide
I cannot accept it
It is a shadow across you forever
And you will never listen
You will embrace your violence forever
You will justify your hate simply as something that always was
The world will change without you
I will happily leave you behind
Every step, every moment i remember
I’m not like you, i’m not like you
The things people say when they assume you’re one of them
Are the most revealing in the world
I’m not like that, i’m not like you at all
I’ve seen some bad things, i’ve heard some worse things
I wonder why you continue in half kindnesses and half truths
I wonder what you would say, how you would treat me
If you saw me unshrouded
I’m not like you, i’m not like you
I’m not like you at all.
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3. |
whirlpool
04:09
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I wanna be high for the rest of my life
I don’t wanna have to think so much
I don’t wanna have to look people in the eyes anymore
I don’t wanna have to think about my family
How fucked up we are
How fucked up i am
5 years old and screaming at god
6 years old secret shame
It will never leave
I don’t care at all
Maybe i like it
I just want to drink till i can’t hear it all
Till the waters mellow out in my stream of consciousness
Maybe we can find a pond somewhere
Full of little fish
But i think they’re drowning in ethanol
A little kid, who never let go of their diapers,
Turns into a lost adult
A little kid, who needed your concern more often,
Turns out so fucking hollow
I don’t want to feel anymore
I want to dim the lights
I want to turn off my mind
So warm and soft
I feel nothing
And i feel fine
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4. |
a fire
03:07
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I am a painless toy soldier
I am a spineless awful friend
I am searching in the depths
I am ambition for the end
I am anger undefined and undirected
I am useless and irrelevant
I am a burning forest of spite
I am chaos ignored
I am saving up forever
I am losing all the water
I am a fearful giant
I am what you know and nothing else
I am everything you don’t know
I am whatever is outside of here
I am on the wrong side of the window
I am whatever comes after
I am sleeping in the water
I am a purposeless storm
I am without any ambition
I am full of inspiration
I am a fire
I am a fire
I am a fire
I am a fire
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5. |
"don't waste your life"
03:21
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When it all builds
When i can’t take it anymore
I think of how you built me
I think of the choices you made for me
Did it ever worry you?
Did you ever stop to wonder?
Did you ever think about it?
It was so easy, to just do everything you wanted
I never knew myself
Spiraling out, and i think i saw the light
But at what cost?
I remember when i was 12
I snuck into the bathroom
I locked the door
And i tried on all my sister’s clothes
I looked at myself in the mirror
And i had no words
Fucked in the head, god is laughing
Fear will haunt me, god is laughing
Feelings i cannot make go away, god is laughing
I will amount nothing, i am a waste
With no self control, crushed under your weight
Invictus invictus
“I am the capital of my soul
I am the master of my fate”
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6. |
debauchery's home
02:34
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Dirty walls
Rusty screws
Busted out lights
I feel alright
Sweaty bodies
Spilled drinks
Getting high
Getting drunk
Women’s clothes
Painted nails
New makeup
Different cadence
No more thoughts
No more fear
No more stares
Harmony
I don’t care
You would be ashamed
But i am happy
I am free
Breaking chains
Just myself
How i want
We are free
Despite your efforts
You raised a faggot
How’s that make you feel
Cuz i feel great
666
Evil rituals
Just for fun
Love everyone
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7. |
||||
One last try
I thought i would call out to you again
Thought i would try to tell you, my friend
Everything you did
Hey i saw you online
Hey i found the song i wrote about you
It was a long time ago
I don’t think you ever knew it was inspired by you
You never had any idea huh?
I’m annoying i’m fucking loud i get it
But you can’t just up and leave
And then only come around when you want to
That just not fucking fair
I kept on with the half friendship
You never knew, that when i reached out
I was just hoping for you back
But you’re cold now, you’re so annoyed
You didn’t know that i was hurting
I always hoped you would notice
But you won’t even notice this
I get it i fucking get it now
I never really knew why you fucked with my head
I had lots of people, leave me high and dry
But i never really knew why yours bothered me more
But it’s in the past, i guess you aren’t as sentimental
Superiority is a lie, i crawled out
I should just give it up, i should just give it up
Don’t try to tell me, that you know more than i do
I’m not some fucking stupid clueless idiot
Don’t you think of me like that
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8. |
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It’s hard to lose a friend
It doesn’t always heal with time
Sometimes the pain only grows
You wonder where the days went
When you and i talked every day
When we talked about everything and nothing
Now the time trips by
And i’m a friend people keep around
Just to talk about their problems to
I’m only good for what i can do for them
You never made me feel like that
I wonder how you’re doing
I remember that night
When we talked on skype
After my breakup
While my heart was full of fear
And you told me how you looked up
At the power lines
At the stars
And you shared that pain with me
And i think of it often
I think of you often
I know it’s just part of life
To grow apart
(i love your noise rock band)
I wasn’t the best person i could have been back then
(i think i’ve made some improvements)
I know i probably hurt you now
(i’m sorry i was still figuring me out)
But you were a friend that left a mark
I think about your life
I wish i was still a part of it
(i always thought you had such a beautiful mind)
My dearest friend
I don’t blame you
So i just ask, if you hear this
If you know it’s for you
Know i love you
Please think of me with only kindness
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9. |
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You are like no one i have ever known
And i watched as you fell from the tree you stood atop
It’s dark in your heart, and my candle is fading
An amateur artist tries to restore the damaged work she adores
With each stroke she makes the subject only more foreign
When she is finished she is pained by what she sees
So too, i cannot mend your aching soul
You try so hard to hold the pieces together
But i can never seem to help
And i yearn for you to find peace
But it seems i can never provide it
But i will never give up on you
I will fight for you, the best i can
When we see the perfect morning light
I hope i can raise a dog with you
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10. |
interloper
07:56
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Children are violent
When you are young
There is no hesitation
All your friends leave you
So i left that school
And i stayed at home
You can hide inside
But at what cost?
But the space only grew
As she got sick
We couldn’t go out
We must hide in the house
You cannot just return
Things are never the same
People move on
i never really learned how to make friends
How to be a part of a group
Then we moved across the country
I finished my senior year
With no graduation
The top of my class i suppose
I did not know what I wanted from college
But you had it all figured out
And after 5 years i left with a paper
Saying i was the top of my class i guess
And i did it with no graduation
And i did it with no friends at all
So these were the best years of my life?
What exactly did i leave with?
And you only say that you’re proud of me
When you are hypomanic
Well you never could accept,
That my life is mine to live
I don’t know how to do anything
I don’t even know who i am, or what i want
There was nothing at all, when i step out of your shadow
The world is just freezing cold
I’m just a young, failed, bohemian
Who longs for a world that no longer exists
I want nights full of art, passion, and drinking
But all there is to have is cold, cold, cold
When my bones finally bend to your shape
Then will you love me genuinely?
Not just for what you always expected of me
Just a down and out
Fucking interloper
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strumi Pennsylvania
it's venting, or maybe it's art or it might just be noise, or a waste of time, perhaps it is sacrilege, you tell me.
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