ghost girl

by strumi

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this is the happiest i’ve ever been.
this is the saddest i’ve ever been.
ghost girl you will never see the light.

this is an album about being 19; it's about the stress of life as a student in a world that is suddenly open to you.
realizing that you can shape your own ideas and beliefs about the world, about other people, and about yourself. it is about the stark realization that you do not have to be your parents, continued on to the next generation, with their ideas, values, and thoughts.
it is about acceptance of oneself, but it is also about dysphoria, and fear. the overwhelming feeling of dread: not being accepted for who you really are, by those who raised you for all those years. feelings of happiness, only found through a new gender identity, dashed by comments about eternal fate, that seem only to be assumed, in order to continually shape me into what they want me to be, and not myself.
these songs are about the hardship and mental strain i went through in my realization that i was made a girl, but could never be loved as such. and the days, months, semesters, and years ahead where i would look in the mirror and hate what i saw. where i would hate my interactions with others as they used a name that was no longer my own. it's an album about self-hate and wanting to see myself in pain. it's a cry for help. it is a mess. it's an album full of fear, it's an album about letting go of bitterness, it is a part of me; a part i can finally share with the world.
i am who i am, love me or hate me, i will be who i am, and i will love you.


released July 1, 2016

these songs don't really sound like my older music, i was heavily inspired by xiu xiu and the other works of jamie stewart both lyrically and musically. i was also heavily influenced by jordaan mason's "divorce lawyers i shaved my head". to not acknowledge these works would not be artistically sound.

i made everything else on this album, though an image of lain is in the artwork.



all rights reserved


strumi Pennsylvania

my name is annie and these songs are about my life.

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Track Name: koko, we've been waiting for you.
out of line, out of touch, can't go back: golden boy.
break my heart or break your heart
dress me up like a boy i'm your "special son"

"ignore it all, this is the way you will be, you will learn to be happy."

will i ever be able to say that i want to be a girl?
i am a girl trapped in this body.

why am i like this? what purpose does it serve?
i am not complete, i'm not whole and i'm not happy.
one more semester one more week i'll never be what i want.

and this just cannot be.
let a girl love a girl let a boy love a boy.
who's hurt?

i am lost. incredibly confused
i don't want to be a boy. i don't want to be this "self"
i'm gonna dress up real pretty, i'm gonna find all the answers.
i will let you down.

i will be selfish and i'll pull myself up
i will be selfish and i'll help myself
i will be selfish and i will let you down.
please learn to love me.
your son is dead.
Track Name: 15 stories
i'm breaking my bones i'm breaking my will
if my life spirals out of control enough maybe it will come back around
a boy but a girl but a boy but a girl but a boy but a girl
but what the fuck am i?
my body isn't anything, i hate it i don't mind it

you heard it on the news today,
the gays are gonna have their way
"they're taking over the whole goddamn country"
it's just like they always say
irony is a bastard son
everything's gonna come undone.

my hands are shaking, i'll never understand
let me wear a pretty dress, let me be whatever i want
why do i have to be like you, won't you love me anyway?

and you say that i'm the normal one but i am the second one
xx me out
xy do i have to be alive?

and you break my will
will you end my life?

i will never feel normal
i will never be complete
i will never be cute or pretty
i am trapped inside this body
there is nothing i'm empty inside.
Track Name: boxcutter
fucked up kids looking for some answers, looking for some hope, looking for a home.
fucked up kids trying to find some peace trying to find some sleep, trying to find some love.
fucked up kids selling their bodies, selling their souls, slitting their wrists
fucked up kids sleeping in the dirt, sleeping in the gutter, thrown out of their homes
fucked up kids burning everything, go to all the parties, still never feel happy
fucked up kids losing all their dreams, losing all their joy, losing their names.

fall onto the ground i don't wanna take this i don't wanna be here anymore
break all my bones in the way you broke my spirit
sleep in my skin tell me this is right and normal
then send me away in the dark in my arms in the dark

tear out my lungs throw them on the ground i don't care anymore
tie me down and cut my wrists watch me squirm as i bleed
abuse me and break me make me feel like i am nothing
just like i've always been.

god hates us all we're all broken hopeless from the start. set up on live meant to be miserable oh miserable.
one last word one last thought i hope to slip into the stream and wash away.
let my body disappear.
feel nothing.
feel free.
Track Name: cut you until you are happy.
there is nothing here, there are no marks
it was the closest i cam to crying: that night
but i can't. under layers of masculinity forced upon me my whole life.
but there's a silver lining, when i finally do it. i'll be just another goddamn statistic.
did you heard dad? that i'm confused?

wrong name.
wrong clothes.

i can be your pretty boy
i don't mind
if you'll hate me less.

my mind is a battlefield
my mind is a prison cell
my mind is a mine field

stop treating me like something that i'm not
i am not like that
and i don't want anything from you.
Track Name: flower print dress
i was a "monster" but you were scary
i was a "liar" but you never told the truth
will you make fun of me for finding myself?
i'll put away my bitterness when you put away yours

"i will never care how you feel you are too weak for me me me.
i will leave you in your pain you are nothing to me me me.
but something to fill a hole."

terrible artist, you will never recognize me.

/////////~i will get away~///////////////

feel the california breeze blow against my bare legs
moves the hem of my dress just a little
his hand in mine, watch the sun set over the city
i don't live in a hole anymore.
i've found myself in soft lace and hair that falls over my face.
his pretty girl my one and only.

black bird fly away taking that rotting heart with you
one day i will be free
one day your soul might be on a page
Track Name: this will end before the summer.
come to your parents
"i've got something to say, i know you won't take it so well.
i just don't feel at home in my body i think i was given the wrong one"
"how could you do this to us? you selfish son, you were supposed to be, the normal, golden, successful one!"
"i am not your son. i am your daughter."

(go to the woods dove, spread your wings, spread your words. fill up your tummy with mom's sleepy pills. a note that reads "they'll never love me")

"comb the woods for his body he's got to be here somewhere. how could he be so fucking selfish to us?"

too late.
she was your daughter.
how could you reject her?
and bury her in a boy's grave?
Track Name: periwinkle
it feels stupid.
why do i even care?
it means too much to me
it won't do anything
i'm never gonna get out of this body
i am not strong
i am not pretty

//they say i'm your broken boy
i'm your sad girl.
the world's gonna hate me
will you protect me?//

falling to pieces
i'm tired of my name
i'm tired of my ways
i'm tired of this let down and confused stare.
"what do you mean you love a boy? you are confused you need to get more sleep!"
"this is all because you stopped attending! now look what you've become!"


and it's sadly ironic, if i was made the way i wanted then you'd be happy for me.
but since i was given this body, you will resent me.
how can something so small cause such a great rift?


(screaming until the end)
Track Name: oyasumi
why are my hands so big?
why is my voice so deep?
why'd i have to be born so tall?
i try so hard just to be all you want
that will never be when i sleep all day long.


get in the car and drive away hurry up your life is slipping away
angry children, just try to stay calm.
bring me back to that empty town. bring me back to the "good old days"
then drive me off a cliff just to see what it feels like to fly
fall into the sky, is this what it feels like to die?

hit the ground. black. i'm not dead.
wake up in a sunny room, this is not my life.
pretty house on the shore, crisp ocean air on my face.
a pile of clothes on the bed with a note that says
"something to make you feel as pretty as you are, tonight we celebrate our girl finding herself."
this house it seems to glow, it's warm and it's serene.
do i even know them?
i do i do
can i stay like this?


wake up. the sun's behind clouds.
the air is thick. they're at it again.

[[god is laughing at me]]
Track Name: she used to draw (until they killed her)
there's black blood in you heart, honeybee.
it flows through your soul and makes your nectar bitter.
there's cold ice in your veins, butterfly
the flowers in her garden were weeds in your eyes.
the red river flows.
there's not enough water in the ocean to clear it's stream.
you'll try anyway. let all the fish die.

there's a cold air in the breeze tonight.
the wind cannot decide what it is saying.
there's a warm heart in the cave tonight.
hot with fire just scared to come out.
watch as there is nothing more to be done
everything is cold hate what the world has become.


and i will hate my body just a little bit tonight.
i will stare in the mirror with despair but i will not let it linger.
one day we will be happy.
i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,
your daughter, your sister: