Two dreams, i couldn’t shake Two dreams i learned from Where is that town i saw? Where my body isn’t broken Where our souls rest Where we don’t worry what it means I’m not sure what to do I think we need to fly there With no blue sunsets Without all our fear Take me back to rolling hills of grass Overlooking the crashing waves It is a monument to refuge It is where we need to be With no blue sunsets With no laughing gods It is where we need to be In the town by the sea That lives inside my dreams I wonder what i left there I wonder what i’ll find there

I don’t think they notice I think my thoughts are volumes longer It is hard to watch It is hard to hear When you say those words There is venom on your tongue I wonder what for They have never hurt you You hate what you don’t understand You resent what is unknown to you The foreign angers you simply because it is foreign I cannot abide I cannot accept it It is a shadow across you forever And you will never listen You will embrace your violence forever You will justify your hate simply as something that always was The world will change without you I will happily leave you behind Every step, every moment i remember I’m not like you, i’m not like you The things people say when they assume you’re one of them Are the most revealing in the world I’m not like that, i’m not like you at all I’ve seen some bad things, i’ve heard some worse things I wonder why you continue in half kindnesses and half truths I wonder what you would say, how you would treat me If you saw me unshrouded I’m not like you, i’m not like you I’m not like you at all.

I wanna be high for the rest of my life I don’t wanna have to think so much I don’t wanna have to look people in the eyes anymore I don’t wanna have to think about my family How fucked up we are How fucked up i am 5 years old and screaming at god 6 years old secret shame It will never leave I don’t care at all Maybe i like it I just want to drink till i can’t hear it all Till the waters mellow out in my stream of consciousness Maybe we can find a pond somewhere Full of little fish But i think they’re drowning in ethanol A little kid, who never let go of their diapers, Turns into a lost adult A little kid, who needed your concern more often, Turns out so fucking hollow I don’t want to feel anymore I want to dim the lights I want to turn off my mind So warm and soft I feel nothing And i feel fine

I am a painless toy soldier I am a spineless awful friend I am searching in the depths I am ambition for the end I am anger undefined and undirected I am useless and irrelevant I am a burning forest of spite I am chaos ignored I am saving up forever I am losing all the water I am a fearful giant I am what you know and nothing else I am everything you don’t know I am whatever is outside of here I am on the wrong side of the window I am whatever comes after I am sleeping in the water I am a purposeless storm I am without any ambition I am full of inspiration I am a fire I am a fire I am a fire I am a fire

When it all builds When i can’t take it anymore I think of how you built me I think of the choices you made for me Did it ever worry you? Did you ever stop to wonder? Did you ever think about it? It was so easy, to just do everything you wanted I never knew myself Spiraling out, and i think i saw the light But at what cost? I remember when i was 12 I snuck into the bathroom I locked the door And i tried on all my sister’s clothes I looked at myself in the mirror And i had no words Fucked in the head, god is laughing Fear will haunt me, god is laughing Feelings i cannot make go away, god is laughing I will amount nothing, i am a waste With no self control, crushed under your weight Invictus invictus “I am the capital of my soul I am the master of my fate”

Dirty walls Rusty screws Busted out lights I feel alright Sweaty bodies Spilled drinks Getting high Getting drunk Women’s clothes Painted nails New makeup Different cadence No more thoughts No more fear No more stares Harmony I don’t care You would be ashamed But i am happy I am free Breaking chains Just myself How i want We are free Despite your efforts You raised a faggot How’s that make you feel Cuz i feel great 666 Evil rituals Just for fun Love everyone

One last try I thought i would call out to you again Thought i would try to tell you, my friend Everything you did Hey i saw you online Hey i found the song i wrote about you It was a long time ago I don’t think you ever knew it was inspired by you You never had any idea huh? I’m annoying i’m fucking loud i get it But you can’t just up and leave And then only come around when you want to That just not fucking fair I kept on with the half friendship You never knew, that when i reached out I was just hoping for you back But you’re cold now, you’re so annoyed You didn’t know that i was hurting I always hoped you would notice But you won’t even notice this I get it i fucking get it now I never really knew why you fucked with my head I had lots of people, leave me high and dry But i never really knew why yours bothered me more But it’s in the past, i guess you aren’t as sentimental Superiority is a lie, i crawled out I should just give it up, i should just give it up Don’t try to tell me, that you know more than i do I’m not some fucking stupid clueless idiot Don’t you think of me like that

It’s hard to lose a friend It doesn’t always heal with time Sometimes the pain only grows You wonder where the days went When you and i talked every day When we talked about everything and nothing Now the time trips by And i’m a friend people keep around Just to talk about their problems to I’m only good for what i can do for them You never made me feel like that I wonder how you’re doing I remember that night When we talked on skype After my breakup While my heart was full of fear And you told me how you looked up At the power lines At the stars And you shared that pain with me And i think of it often I think of you often I know it’s just part of life To grow apart (i love your noise rock band) I wasn’t the best person i could have been back then (i think i’ve made some improvements) I know i probably hurt you now (i’m sorry i was still figuring me out) But you were a friend that left a mark I think about your life I wish i was still a part of it (i always thought you had such a beautiful mind) My dearest friend I don’t blame you So i just ask, if you hear this If you know it’s for you Know i love you Please think of me with only kindness

You are like no one i have ever known And i watched as you fell from the tree you stood atop It’s dark in your heart, and my candle is fading An amateur artist tries to restore the damaged work she adores With each stroke she makes the subject only more foreign When she is finished she is pained by what she sees So too, i cannot mend your aching soul You try so hard to hold the pieces together But i can never seem to help And i yearn for you to find peace But it seems i can never provide it But i will never give up on you I will fight for you, the best i can When we see the perfect morning light I hope i can raise a dog with you

Children are violent When you are young There is no hesitation All your friends leave you So i left that school And i stayed at home You can hide inside But at what cost? But the space only grew As she got sick We couldn’t go out We must hide in the house You cannot just return Things are never the same People move on i never really learned how to make friends How to be a part of a group Then we moved across the country I finished my senior year With no graduation The top of my class i suppose I did not know what I wanted from college But you had it all figured out And after 5 years i left with a paper Saying i was the top of my class i guess And i did it with no graduation And i did it with no friends at all So these were the best years of my life? What exactly did i leave with? And you only say that you’re proud of me When you are hypomanic Well you never could accept, That my life is mine to live I don’t know how to do anything I don’t even know who i am, or what i want There was nothing at all, when i step out of your shadow The world is just freezing cold I’m just a young, failed, bohemian Who longs for a world that no longer exists I want nights full of art, passion, and drinking But all there is to have is cold, cold, cold When my bones finally bend to your shape Then will you love me genuinely? Not just for what you always expected of me Just a down and out Fucking interloper